This Saturday will be the two year anniversary of our son’s death, or as I like to think of it, the day that would have been his birthday. I find myself trying not to think about it which makes me think about it more. He would have been a walking talking two year old. Read "Everybody has a story that will break your heart" and "Broken hearted--the aftermath of loosing him" for the story.
Last year I dreaded the one year anniversary, I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to handle it, but then it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Wifey got home and we went up to the cemetery in the dark, even though it said no entry (yeah, we are rebels like that). I never understood why people went to cemeteries until I lost my angel boy. To me, his grave is proof that he was here. I smile at his headstone that says “loved by his two moms,” it is the only recognition my wife gets of being his Mama. Wifey has a hard time up there, she cries and wonders why I don’t. I am not sure I can explain why I don’t cry. Maybe because I know that it is not ‘him’ in his grave. The day he died I knew he was already gone, just his body remained, a glimmer of what he looked like.
This year, it will not be just Wifey and I at the grave, we will have Happy Baby with us to. The gift he gave us. If he had not died we would not have her and she is everything to me. I love her to the moon and back. It may sound callous but I wouldn’t change a thing, I wouldn’t give her up for him. He gave her to me, the most precious and beautiful gift I could have ever gotten and I love him for it.
So this year I will go to his grave and thank him. Thank him for kicking the crap out of me for nine months as he lay under my heart. And thank him for Happy Baby. There are no words that explain how grateful I am for that, for her.
Finally, I am not big on sharing names on here, but I want to share his name with you. I love his name and it makes me sad that we don’t really get to use it. His name is Theodore and we were going to call him Theo.
My beautiful little Theo, my angel forever and always. I’ll love you forever, I’ll love you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.
