So I went to my first story time at the library today and boy can I stick my foot in my mouth!! A women I’ve been sharing my extra breast milk with invited me and though I have anxiety meeting new people I decided I should to and try to meet people in my area. So after the songs and book women stayed around to talk. Happy Baby was loving it and crawled into the middle of the room to play with other babies and I sat to talk to the moms. I guess I haven’t been around people lately that don’t know me very well and I forget myself when I say things.
First I mentioned that I’d been researching double strollers because I would need one soon. The ladies looked at me, then my tummy... My first reaction was like please don’t think I look pregnant, I mean I know I do, I have PCOS which makes me carry any extra weight in my belly so I look perpetually pregnant, but it bothers me when people ask or think I’m pregnant. So I was like oh no, I’m not pregnant my wife is... long pause and the one woman’s eyes got big and she repeated, your wife? I felt myself flush and was like yeah, my wife. And the lady was kind of like oh, that’s nice. Then I fall all over myself trying to explain, sigh. I’m so sick and tired sometimes of being different. I love Wifey more than anything and I would never ask to be straight but I really wish people wouldn’t make such a big deal out of it. I’m not all that different than you for goodness sake! I know, I should be used to it by now, but can’t I just have a pamphlet titled “so, you are meeting a lesbian” and explains that lesbians can have a family too they just get babies differently than straight people. Sorry, very ranty today.
The next dumb thing I did was mention I have had two c-sections. I forget myself and it pops out of my mouth sometimes. Usually the next question people ask, and of course the lady asked it is: oh, how old is your other child? And though I love talking about my son, I know other people get extremely uncomfortable. So I say, I actually lost him. Then there is a silence and I never know what to fill that silence with. I want to tell them that I am okay, that I want to talk about him, that I loved him too... But they don’t want to hear that. The truth is, they wish I never brought it up. Wish I could have just kept the fact that I had a stillborn baby to myself because it is to horrible to talk about. God I miss him sometimes, but I can’t talk about it. I’m so glad to have Happy Baby, if I didn’t have my son I’d never have had Happy Baby and I sure wouldn’t give her up for the world. But, well, I just miss him. I wish I knew I was going to see him and be able to hold him, I wish I had that faith that other people do, but I just don’t know.
Anyways, I just wish I could think before I talked sometimes. It’s not that I wouldn’t have talked about these things, but to blurt them out in the first ten minutes of meeting me, well, it’s over sharing I think.
